13 Housebricks

Astrid bought one of those step exercise things for a quid at St Lukes a few months ago. Not for exercise, we have country lanes and hills for that sort of thing, but for when my Mum came to feed the cat when we were in Holland, so she could wash the pots easier as our sink is a little too high for her. She’s only small me lovely little Mum yer know. We have such a lovely view it seems a shame not to enjoy the view whilst washing dirty cat bowls encrusted with dried out Whiskas. It also comes in handy for Astrid when she’s rearranging her library, it gives her a few extra inches. We have a million books. I laid it across the bath to use as a platform when I was painting the wall in the bathroom. It has a large blob of dried Johnstone’s white marine paint on it.
Back to the original purpose of a step machine, I mean, what in heavens name/what the f~~k (delete as required) was the original purpose anyway? It’s a piece of plastic about two feet long, similar to a row of 13 housebricks laid side by side. In fact, it’s exactly the same length and roughly the same height as 13 housebricks laid side by side. So, why don’t people use a row of 13 housebricks laid side by side instead of buying a cheap and nasty piece of plastic for the original price of……hang on I’ll have a look on Amazon….Bleedin’ Nora! £59.99. Apparently it’s called a Body Sculpture Aerobic Stepper Plus. It’s a plastic version of 13 housebricks laid side by side. For £59.99. However, you’ll be really really pleased to know, Amazon have an offer on and you can buy this plasticky thing that resembles 13 housebricks laid side by side, for….. wait for it….£20.00. That’s….30….25….87….that’s about 66.666% discount. So this Body Sculpture Aerobic Stepper Plus must have been reeeeeally hard to manufacture with immense labour and material and energy costs. Aaaaah, I see.
Why does anyone need a Body Sculpture Aerobic Stepper Plus anyway? It looks to me like a pale immitation of 13 housebricks laid side by side that you can hop up and down on because you are too bloody bone idle to get yer arse out of the house. Instead of buying a Body Sculpture Aerobic Stepper Plus, why not buy a pair of hiking boots, Nike (Made in Indonesia) do some good cheapish and stylish models, you can find them sometimes amongst the other gubbins at Wynsors for about 20 quid in the sale. What you do then is, you put them on and you….and this is the amazing bit……….. y o u – g o – o u t s i d e.
Once in possession of these new magic boots, you can cast your Body Sculpture Aerobic Stepper Plus or your 13 housebricks laid side by side, out into the shed with all the other useless gimmicks you’ve bought: ice cream maker, coffee machine, 8 berth toaster, leaf blower, 4 tier cat scratch pole, paint spray compresser, roller blades etc. The 13 housebricks could be used for building a wall or even a step! Yes, a step. Anyway, about these magic boots. What happens next is, you look up the road and think to yourself, I’m going to walk up the road in these boots and if I come to a mountain, I’m going to climb up it in these boots. I’m going to imagine I’m stood in front of the TV watching Jeremy bloody Kyle whilst hopping up and down on a Body Sculpture Aerobic Stepper Plus in my ill fitting jogging bottoms that shows how fat my arse is and doesn’t disguise my cellulite one bit and if anything accentuates it, eating a bacon sarny dripping with fat whilst shouting at the kids to stop sticking jam sarnies on the dog’s bum. I’m going to do that. If it stops raining. If I can find the time. And if I could be arsed.
Now, far be it for me to be cynical, but the photo on the box looks pretty well like something you could easily perform without the Body Sculpture Aerobic Stepper Plus. You could do it on the kitchen floor, the patio, even balanced on the wall on top of your 36 storey block of flats if it’s not too windy. It’s all about balance by the look of things. You don’t even need to buy any jogging bottoms or lycra tops or pristine white trainers that don’t even know what the fresh smell of oxygen is like because the last time they were anywhere near the great outdoors, the leather was attached to a cow’s skeleton in Indonesia. You don’t need any of that stuff. You can do it in your house slippers, those with the chamois sole with all the dust and hairs stuck to the squashed raisin you trod on a fortnight since. You can do it in your dressing gown with all your dangly bits dangling whilst you balance on one leg. Get to it.

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11 comments

    • Exactly, I was out walking a few days ago and the walk along the flat dam wall is about 400m, two or three jogs along that and it would get your heart rate going, but no, a girl got out of her girly soft top car, dressed up like Jessica Ennis, stretched a bit then ran on the spot. Some old blokes with caps on and greyhounds were nattering at the gate and looking at her like she’d just beamed down from the Enterprise.

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  1. Excellent. The other advantage of 13 housebricks is that you’d get really fit carrying them about.

    How about this for a business idea

    Take one cheap rucksack.
    Stuff it with as many housebricks as will fit inside.
    Sew it up so it can’t be opened.
    Cover the whole thing in colourful plastic
    Advertise it as the ‘Body wonderful Bag’ – The best thing out of Sheffield since the Full Monty

    Tell people to wear it like a rucksack and go for a ‘walk’

    Just watch the pounds roll in as the pounds roll off.

    A real bargain at £135.99

    Anyone got an old rucksack?

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  2. Made me laugh :))
    I was on a walk through the woods recently With a group run by the council. I was taken aback that several of the would-be walkers didn’t Want to walk on certain paths because they “might get their boots muddy ” !!

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    • Ha ha, indeed. A bit like (puts sexist hat on) the women drivers I encounter in the rain who seemingly would rather crash head on than drive through a puddle on their side. Or a 4 x 4 without a tow bar. I could go on forever.

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  3. Great post….I do have a step ladder, but the milkman is missing a crate for things I can’t reach (and decorating etc)….

    Steps????? What is wrong with the stairs???? even me….I live in a flat on the ground floor, but I can always take a run up the stairs.

    P xx

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